If the truth be told, this week is one of the most dreaded weeks for me leading up to Mother’s Day. While I love that fact that God graced me to be a mother, I still struggle with the fact that I won’t be celebrating with mine. There are so many moments in my life I’ve missed not having her. I struggle with watching friends grow old with their mothers, or her being there with a big smile on her face for every significant milestone in their life, knowing when I look out in the crowd, I won’t see mine. I mean I believe she’s there in spirit, but it’s been hard. Every year on my birthday I cry because the person who brought me into this world is my missing link. She was always my biggest cheerleader. She had a rough upbringing and she worked so hard to break the generational curses and wow, could that woman love! I miss her hugs, her laugh, her smile. I miss how she saw in me what it took a lifetime to understand and see in myself. She knew the secret and with every passing day she would help me to bloom and remember how beautiful I was to her.
I am missing being able to talk to her when life is beating me up. Imagine going your entire life and having to hold the Intermost parts of your life to yourself. I’ve said it before, maybe we would have had a rough teenage patch because I admittedly can be a pain in the ass! I always wonder how my life would be or what decisions I would have made differently, or if I would have known my worth sooner?
I’ve spent most of my life around others, but alone. Is it sad, yes, absolutely! I know I’m not the only one. I know there are a million, billion, trillion people in this world who understand. I try to be what I wish I had. I’ve watched family and friends through the years and their family dynamic. I thought, damn, can any part of my life have a resemblance of normalcy?
The truth be told, I rarely spoke about my mother growing up because I did not want to dishonor my stepmom. No one ever told me not to, I just felt it was rude because she was there every day in my life. I watched as she and my stepsister lived the version of life that I wished I had but, I didn’t. When people’s hearts have been beaten over and over, they start to say stupid shit like, “it is what it is” because if they acknowledge the truth, they’d have to face that it hurt and that would seem weak.
I never got to take mother daughter pictures with her beyond 11 years old. I’m stuck in a time warp because time stopped. In real time it kept going. Truth be told, I only can remember a solid two or three years of my life with my mom and they were the ones right before she left us. I loved the talks we had. Very profound and deep conversations. I’ve always been a kid who marched to their own beat. I’ve had friends but not the soul connection I had with my mom and even my grandma. It was something different and magical. A foundation routed in the spirit.
The truth be told, I hate how when I tell someone what I need or want, they tell me I don’t. I didn’t even know what gaslighting was until a few years ago and realized, geez, I’ve been gaslighted so much, I’d trained my brain to speak the words, “I think” before any statement I’d make. I was questioning if I was sure before I said it because I thought the person on the other side would say, no, that’s not what you want. You don’t want to do that. WHY?
The truth be told, I trust few. Honestly, I trust God! If God believes in me, the Almighty will help me get there even if I don’t understand. The person I had the most trouble trusting was myself.
I’m sure I’ll have more, truth to be told, but for now, it’s time to shut my eyes.
Happy Mother’s Day to all my moms, children, and loved ones who live without their loved ones. May your heart be filled with love and peace in these coming days!
All my love!
jenniev
*If you’d like to read my full autobiography, check out my website @ jenniev.com. “A Story Within” by Esther Grace