Hello all,
I hope you are doing well. I have really been in a place of remembering the past ten years. I had the pleasure of spending spring break with my little one. We had a blast visiting Disney and spending time with family the past two weeks.
I had taken my computer to write but, in the moment, I wanted to devote my time to my son. I feel like we get so caught up in life that we forget to just enjoy the present. One thing I have promised myself is to be present for him. He’s been through a lot this year and he’s growing so fast before my eyes. Us spending this uninterrupted time together really had me in my own feelings. We were truly enjoying ourselves as we explored new territory, we had time to talk about life, and speaking our dreams into existence, and what I kept thinking is how truly blessed I am to have such a wonderful life with this kid.
As we drove up the coast, I kept thinking God for where we are in life. I recall where we were ten years ago. I had an infant, my house was in the beginning stages of foreclosure, and I felt so alone. I was so ashamed to talk about what was happening, I was withdrawn, and felt like the world was closing in on me. I cried so much but I kept fighting like hell to get out of the situation. My son’s biological father was nowhere to be found and providing no support or contact. It was so overwhelming to say the least.
In life, people will tell you they are there for you, but do they really mean it? It sounds good right? I was so fortunate to have my coworker who was familiar with my situation. She knew on payday I was already broke, and I’d cry at my desk trying to figure out how to find money for gas or food. I was behind on my payments as a result of giving birth to my son prematurely and being off of work three months to care for him. Because I was not the one who was ill, my short-term disability payments stopped before I went back to work. The money, I had in savings prior to giving birth was gone to make ends meet when I was off. He was discharged a week after his birth with a medical device I had to pay for, and I don’t know if you have ever been a situation like that but when you are stressed your rational goes out the window. I had done everything I could to plan the time off but with his birth coming early it threw off the time I had planned to save and the money I had planned to save.
Once I went back to work, I didn’t get a paycheck for three weeks and when I did get paid, they had to take out our insurance from the time I was off work. I had gone six weeks with no money. When I went back to work, I of course had to pay daycare and the snowball just grew bigger and bigger. I was what you call, the working poor. I applied for help and was denied at every turn. I recall being so pissed! I felt betrayed and the vulnerability of having a new baby, doing it alone, and there being medical issues is a reality for far too many people.
The saving grace in it all was that my friend would rent a room from me off and on and was able to help with night shift baby responsibilities because of their schedule so I could get some sleep. My Aunt would bring me groceries so I would have enough strength and nutrients to nurse and my coworker would leave me an envelope with money each payday, so I had gas and money to get what I needed. I was raised to be responsible and resourceful but in that time of my life, I felt so disappointed. I didn’t want to tell my dad because I was afraid, he would be mad at me. I kept filing loan modifications but again I was denied because on paper, it looked like I was making a lot more money than I actually was.
There would be times I’d go to the mailbox and there would be a check in the mail, and I would stand at the mailbox crying and thanking God!” I was so desperate that I wrote a letter to the president and let me tell ya, they do answer. It was during The Obama administration, and I got a phone call one day from someone who worked for him. They did everything they could as well, but I will never forget the call after the processing of all of my paperwork when the person on the other end told me, “I am devastated that there is nothing I can do to help you, based on the paperwork, you don’t appear to need help which I know is not the case.” It honestly gave me relief to know that even though the answer was yet another no, they knew.
We often forget the people relaying the message are not the ones who make the regulations. It took me a long time to get out of that whole situation and by the grace of God I didn’t lose my home. I still to this day don’t comprehend how it all worked out, it just did. It took every morsal of courage, determination, and strength I had.
I later got into a relationship with that same friend who had been my roommate and I finally told him what had happened. He was like, why didn’t you tell me you were going through that? I would have given you more, but pride kept me from speaking up. There are times that people do not have options or relief and that is even more scary. We were able to build a life together and help each other grow. Even though it did not work out, I am forever grateful for the opportunity to build a life with someone and to be on the other side of that dark hole.
My son’s dream is to play for the major leagues one day. He has spoken that goal out into the world since he could talk and has had a bat in his hand since he could walk. He is so hopeful for that reality that he has me take him to stadiums in every town we travel to and practices pitching as he stands in front of each one. As I am writing this post, I’m sitting here watching him play MLB the Show, listening to music, and he tells me, “Mom, we’re going to be happy in LA”. I said,” yes, we are!”
All of this to say, whatever you are going through right now just know it will not last forever. Even if it is a no now, it can be a yes tomorrow. We tend to get so clouded in the moment of trial that we forget good things await us ahead.
All my love,
jenniev
Words with jenniev 