Hey all! I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving with those that mean the most to you! I had the pleasure of two thanksgiving dinners with my family. It’s been a few years since we have all been together after Covid and I have to say, I missed my extended family more than I realized. My uncle got covid in October 2020 and we nearly lost him. He has been the glue that has held our family together since my grandmas passing in 2007. He’s hosted every thanksgiving and Christmas since. Three years without the gang has been rough. Our family resembles that of the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, large and loud.
I’m still struggling with the loss of my beloved friend Lynnette. I know it’s because her loving spirit reminded me of the love I’ve had in my own relationship with my mom. I’ve also acknowledged that I’m healing from life, something that has taken until my adulthood to finally address. There is a double edge sword associated with healing, a feeling of sadness for what was, what you hoped would be, who you hoped you’d be, but the reconning of I have this moment now to be and live how I chose too.
It’s time! It’s time to let go of all those limitations we hold. Once we realized that time is the most valuable thing you can and will never get back, it changes the whole trajectory of life. I take full responsibility for wasting my own time in this life, but I also know, what I have left is precious and I want to spend it with those who want to spend it with me. I have waited on others but more importantly on myself long enough. I know God has plans for us, it says so in the book of life. Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Many times, we take life upon ourselves, or we sit in what was for so long we miss out on what is and what can be.
I’m sure you can relate. Replaying all of those what ifs in your head over and over again. I can say with certainty that this year has been my metamorphosis. It’s been a struggle getting out of that complacent cocoon I’ve lived in for so long. The one committed to living in the pain of my past. I recall praying that God would make me more like my mom, but today, I know he wants me to be more like the JennieV he created me to be. I was reminded that my blind spot has been the desire to be like my mom for so long, but that was the version of her that the eleven-year-old me remembers. We never got the opportunity to grow together, and I don’t have reasons to hate or blame things on her for growing up. I just lived in this fairytale of eleven years, when my world kept evolving for another 35 after. Had we had more time, I may be like other girls, and I may have had things I didn’t like about her or that I’d say, “well it’s because of you that this and that.’” I’ve taken her death and died with her. For thirty something years I’ve been living the walking dead. Afraid because of what I experienced then. I have a son who will be eleven in a few months. I can’t image him having to grow with the broken me for any more of our precious time together.
He deserves the butterfly! The beautiful, delicate, assertive not aggressive side of me. He deserves to see the playful yet powerful side of his momma, the one who has a voice, a vision, and a purpose. The one who uses the plans God has for her to go out and love and bless this world with her grace. He needs to see me looking forward and dreaming so big that it would take the hand of God for all my dreams to be acknowledged and held as sacred. It’s time! It’s time we live and be present! Chose who chooses you and let the rest go!
All my love, jenniev
Words with jenniev 