Man! It’s been one hell of an emotional roller coaster lately! I’m not sure if it’s the Gatorade as one of my cousins likes to call the retrograde, but there has been a shit ton of emotion and odd events happening lately. I told you all I’d be transparent so here it is. I’m struggling to post tonight but I have made a commitment to myself and my readers that at minimum, that I’ll post on Wednesdays, its hump day and I hope the second part of your week is better than your first, I associate Wednesday with wisdom, and today I’m throwing in the Wellness because it is suicide awareness month.
If you have never lived in a world of mental illness, consider yourself lucky! Before a few years ago I’d heard terms used but I wasn’t really educated on it. I’ve had some stuff for a majority of my life however in my era we didn’t talk about things like we do now and we sure the hell didn’t show our emotions. If you did, you were labeled bad or rebellious. You took what was and sat on that shit like a rose with thorns.
I have learned a lot parenting through it and not fully being able to understand where or how to help which has been a vulnerable feeling. It’s hard to watch someone you love go through. Recently it’s been with my son. We’ve had some life changes recently which have broken his heart and watching him bravely work through the anger and sadness hurts my heart, but, as he is going through his experience, he is unknowingly healing my inner anger and sadness. I can put a face to it. He acts out and as he does internally, I’m able to identify the behaviors that are a reflection of what is happening inside. I do my best to talk him through it. I am so proud of him for speaking up and saying, “Mom, I need to talk to someone.” I wish I was that brave when I was his age. Some others that I love are also going through and its crazy how past trauma, and unresolved events can hold us prisoner and without warning, the smallest trigger sets us off. We tend to lash out on those we love and feel the safest with because there is less fear of them rejecting us.
As these life happenings are going on around us, I still find peace in knowing there is a God who is proud of me for being brave enough to speak on it, and a village of people who love and care for all of us. Mental illness makes you lonely even when evidence shows you’re not alone, it tells you that you are unloved, and unwanted which is the biggest lie of all.
Be brave and seek out your truth! For me, it has been in found in my relationship with God who says, I was created and chosen for a purpose, made in his image for such a time as this. As I write, I feel like this is my purpose, to talk about real life shit and to face life head on while sharing the love that has been given to me.
JennieV